Performance Review: Survivor

NOW HIRING: Senior Entry-Level Productivity Survival Analyst II
Shareholder First Company Solutions is seeking a highly motivated self-starter to join our award-winning workplace family. The ideal candidate thrives under pressure, understands that “work-life balance” is a competitor’s myth, and remains committed to company goals despite rapidly escalating cross-functional incidents.
This is a fast-paced opportunity with unlimited growth potential, provided you survive the probationary period.
Responsibilities include:
Maintaining control of your cubicle during high-energy team-building events

Upgrading company-approved productivity tools, including staplers, laptops, printers, and other standard office equipment

Surviving quarterly performance initiatives, surprise compliance events, and the Annual Performance Review

Ability to lift 50 lbs

Preferred qualifications:
Strong time management during short, chaotic runs

Ability to adapt to compounding weapon upgrades

Comfortable operating in bullet-hell work environments

Willingness to give 110% until there is nothing left to give

Compensation & Benefits:
After-life 401K financial planning

Performance-based escalation

Plentiful team-building opportunities

The slow erosion of self

Dental

Performance Review: Survivor is a 2.5D roguelite where office problems follow you home, careers run short, and the Annual Performance Review is non-negotiable.  In the unlikely outcome you manage to retire, comprehensive end-of-life financial 401K projection simulation is provided.
Applications accepted via fax only. Orientation starts immediately upon submission.